need a good joke contest numba 2

missaman · Post by **missaman** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 3:46 am

okay fellow forumites I need a good laugh post your best joke an' missaman will send you out a precious prize of one franklin mint folder tractor knife.... yesiree... one pos collectable folder fo' the top three jokes posted YES THESE PRETTY DAM CLOSE TO WORTHLESS FOLDERS CAN BE YOURS..........IF the joke is right....
P.S. Missaman is the sole judge o' Dis contest.....
You have one week.....
Missaman Inna Da' Hood

Dick Carroll · Post by **Dick Carroll** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 7:09 am

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!

texasmad · Post by **texasmad** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 10:59 am

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. This is one of my best for a laugh!

Frank: "recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light Truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge #1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very Mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) Holy SHIT! What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Bum Down the Barn Chili...

Judge #1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t_faced from all of the beer...

Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge #1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods:
not much of a chili.
Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?

Chili #5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge #1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm buming my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian variety...

Judge #1 Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili, Good valance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onion, and garlic. Superb
Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh!t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge #1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 Ho-Hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the lat moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painflil. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have handled really hot chili?

Razor Kitten · Post by **Razor Kitten** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 11:12 pm

Ok....I know somebody out there has more jokes!!

j.a.c. · Post by **j.a.c.** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 11:29 pm

This big , mean looking biker is cruisin the beach.
He happens to see a knock out classy lady pulling into a parking space in her ferrari.

He pulls his bike into the spot beside her , and just as he's swining his leg over the seat to get off the bike , she sneezes so hard her glass eye fly out of it's socket.
He reaches out ,snatches it and walks over and hands it back.
She's completely embarrassed , but puts it back in and starts to thank him.
She says she'd like to buy him dinner and a few drinks in gratitude.
he follows her to a fancy restaurant and they dine and drink for a bit.
Then she takes him back to her water front condo ,and makes wild love to him all night.
He wakes the next morning to breakfast in bed followed by more wild sex.
As he laying there trying to catch his breath , he asks her do you always pick up bikers and treat them this way ??

To which she smiles and replies ... No , you just happened to catch my eye.

Post by **tr4252** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 12:00 am

"To which she smiles and replies ... No , you just happened to catch my eye."

Oh Hell!, and I thought I might have a chance here. Tough act to follow;

So there's this guy who hates me, always had.
One day, my daughter and I go for a walk, and get caught in the mosty unGodly rainstorm. He happens to be driving by, and gives us a lift home.

I say; "You hate my guts, why did you stop and pick us up, drive 4 miles out of your way, and take us home like you were my sister or something, asshole?"

He says "Sure, I can't stand to look at your face, and wish you'd die horribly, but I felt sorry for your pet monkey"

Tom

switchman1 · Post by **switchman1** » Sat Mar 24, 2007 3:45 am

A guy comes home and is met at the door by his wife, dressed up in a sexy nightgown, and she purrs, tie me up and you can do anything you want. So he ties her up and goes to a knife show.

Vagrant · Post by **Vagrant** » Sat Mar 24, 2007 4:42 am

A guy gets home from work and his wife is waiting on her knees. Before he even puts down his briefcase down she is "pleasuring him".
After a second or two he says "O.K. what the hell did you do to the Ferrari"

Dick Carroll · Post by **Dick Carroll** » Sat Mar 24, 2007 9:58 am

The elephant asks the camel: Why are your breasts on your back? The camel: That's an odd question coming form one who's weiner is on his face....

missaman · Post by **missaman** » Sun Mar 25, 2007 1:11 am

Come on fellow forumites we can do better than this lets hear them

Missa

collectall · Post by **collectall** » Sun Mar 25, 2007 3:32 am

THIS IS NOT MY JOKE, ITS ANOTHER MEMBERS JOKE FROM ANOTHER FORUM , I DONT WANT CREDIT FOR IT, but this is the best joke ive heard in a long time.. i laughed my a s s off..

Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!

Ya gotta love this principal.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick,they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
_________________

collectall · Post by **collectall** » Sun Mar 25, 2007 3:37 am

can we tell dirty jokes..? or is that improper, i know once i said sumthing off the wall on the forum and i was scolded. cause sumones kid was surfing the forum , i got a few dirty ones, x rated i should say..

i guess ill hold off on those 4 now..and racial ones too which are good but ,more than likely improper , so nah no jokes here,

missaman · Post by **missaman** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 3:11 am

Missa Collectall,
NOT an x rated forum But thanks for asking first

Missaman

Trey45 · Post by **Trey45** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 3:46 am

Bubba decides to go see his friend Jerry, but Jerry aint home, but his wife Brenda is, so she tells him that jerry's gone to the store and he'll be home in about 40 minutes, and that he's welcome to wait there until Jerry gets home, so Bubba obliges and goes in to watch TV with Brenda.
Well ole Bubba starts to looking at Brenda, and ole Brenda starts to notice it, and asks why. So Bubbe tells her that he's always had sort of a crush on her, and he'd pay her 100 bucks to see just one of her breasts, well Brenda considers this for a minute and says, Show me the Money! Bubba plops a franklin down on the coffee table, and Brenda undoes a few buttons and pops out a playboy perfect tit. Bubba sits back and takes it all in, then thanks her..... a few minutes goes by and Bubba says, You know, that sure was worth it, I'll give you another hundred if i can see both of them together, she says show me the money, he drops another franklin and out come the sweater puppets in all their glory, Bubba oohhs and ahhs for a while then thanks her.
Well ole Bubba decides it's time to leave, as Jerry has been gone longer than 40 minutes, as he's walkin out he tells Brenda to make sure she let Jerry know he came by to see him, then he drives off, about 15 minutes later In walks Jerry from the store, brenda meets him at the door and tells him Your crazy friend Bubba was here to see you earlier, to which Jerry replied, Oh yeah? Did that sumbitch drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?

switchman1 · Post by **switchman1** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 11:06 pm

An old man was eating at the food court at a local mall when this teen age kid walks in with his hair spiked up in all different colors, red, blue orange etc. and the old man kept staring at the kid, every time the kid looked up the old man was staring at him. Finally, the kid had had enough of the old mans staring and said " whats the matter old man haven't you ever done nothing wild in your life? And without missing a beat the old man says "got drunk once and screwed a peacock" I was wondering if you were my kid!