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Do you want to talk about your beautiful country, family, or dog? Would you like to say where you went on holiday or how you arranged the garden? Are you willing to tell us you girlfriend left you for a(nother) loser? Do you have ANY non knife-related topic you want to discuss? This is the place!

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ILikeStilettos
Posts: 1576
Joined: Tue Jan 28, 2014 3:36 pm
Location: Norman, Oklahoma, USA
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Post by ILikeStilettos »

An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year's submissions:
1. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
2. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
3. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
4. This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
5. I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
8. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
9. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
10. A will is a dead giveaway.
11. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
12. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
13. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
14. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
15. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
16. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
18. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
19. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
20. Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
21. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
22. When chemists die, they barium.
23. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
24. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
25. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
26. Did you hear about the butcher who backed into a meat slicer? He's alright but the incident caused him to get a little behind in his work.

Facts of life
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to a mosque doesn't make you a Muslim any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel faster through the mail than checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

things you can’t say with a Hallmark card
1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
2. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
3. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
4. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
5. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
6. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
7. "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
8. “Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
9. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
10. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
11. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
12. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."
13. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
14. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
15. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
16. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age ... Almost Lifelike!”
17. "Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
18. "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damned ugly."
19. "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
20. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
21. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
22. "We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?"
23. "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."
24. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Virginia)
25. "I never believed in the devil till I realized I was married to his sister".
Dave Sause
oldandfat@cox.net
(405) 694-3690

"And you're telling me this because, somehow, I look like I give a shit?"

"Let a smile be your umbrella and you're gonna get your dumb ass wet."
Five Dollar Bill
Posts: 28
Joined: Tue Jul 23, 2019 5:29 pm
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida

Re: Lists

Post by Five Dollar Bill »

Funny, Funny, Funny. Thanks!
Be nice to us old folks. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
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