The unvarnished truth

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ILikeStilettos
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Joined: Tue Jan 28, 2014 3:36 pm
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The unvarnished truth

Postby ILikeStilettos » Tue Dec 26, 2017 5:53 pm

Over on the Single Dad Laughing Facebook Page, I asked a simple question. “What is the most embarrassing thing your child has ever blurted out to others?” Thousands of you answered. Just as I had hoped, you didn’t fail to deliver some of the best gut-grabbing laughs I’ve had in weeks. Here are 50 of your epic replies.

1. "My mommy wears really big Band-Aids on her vagina because it bleeds sometimes.”

2. We were at a NFL game. My husband took our 5-year-old son to the crowded restroom. As they did their business, my son yells out, "DAD! Your pee-pee is HUGE!"

3. My son and I were at Walmart and the lady checking us out had quite a few teeth missing. My son asked, totally seriously, "Oh. My. Gosh. How excited are you!? When the tooth fairy comes tonight she will bring you $10 I bet for all those teeth. You are so lucky!!!"

4. My 4-year-old daughter walked in on me while I was changing my panty liner. She looks at me and says, "I don't need one of those, I use the toilet now." The next day at primary she told her teacher I still poop myself.

5. We were in an Amish store in Delaware where we used to live. My son goes down the aisle with me and an Amish gentleman is there with his hat on. He yells out, "They have cowboys in here???"

6. My daughter was about 2, and we were taking a local transit bus in Winnipeg and a black man got on the bus and she pointed at his skin and said, "Ewwww dirty!!" I almost died on the spot.

7. When my daughter was around two, we had gone grocery shopping, only to come out to discover that my husband’s tool and work debris filled the trunk. I muttered about ‘him leaving, his crap in the trunk' while I shifted things around and she waited patiently in the cart. An older lady walked by and said something like "Hello, sweetie." to my daughter, who responded, "Daddy crapped in the trunk.”

8. My 5-year-old and I walk into a bathroom with stalls ...
Him: "It stinks in here!!"
Little kid from the stall over: "Yeah! It's cause my mom is poopin!!"

9. For show and tell my daughter lay on the floor and shared how mom zips her pants. Her teacher loved it. I bought a bigger size pants.

10. Went to Family Dollar with my son who is 10. He was on the aisle that had the tampons and pads and I was on the next aisle over looking at soap and out of nowhere he yells "Mom do you need the 'oh my god I've been shot’ tampons or just normal?"

11. When my niece was younger we were out shopping and I took her into the restroom with me. She had the full color commentary on everything down to my undies complete with the comment that according to her father only hookers wore that style and color of underpants.

12. In the bank lobby waiting for a teller, a little boy with his Mom kept swinging off those lovely ropes they have set up to direct traffic.
Mom: “Stop that! You are going to be in trouble when you get home!!”
Boy: “Oh No I won’t, cause I'll tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee pee!!!!”

13. When my twins were about 4, I bought them a toy called a squiggle pen, it had a weight in the top that spun around, and they loved it. About a week later we are in the grocery store, and one of them is looking at the batteries at the check out. It was busy and one of them blurted in a loud voice, “Hey, mommy, what size batteries does my vibrator take?”

14. My son was three or four when he learned “the eyes forward in the bathroom” rule. We went to the circus, and I took him to bathroom where he encountered his first trough urinal. He was taking his time because it was something new and a black guy walked in and started going pee also. I was against the back wall waiting for my kid to finish when he leaned forward, and then blurted out, “Daddy! That man has a BIG, BLACK PEE PEE!”

15. When she was around 7 my daughter chased down an Asian couple while yelling, “My name is Mulan! I have to save my father!"

16. When my daughter was 3, she and I were having dinner at a nicer restaurant and a robust lady in flesh colored leggings passed us. In her sweet little voice, she yelled out "MAMA WHY THAT FAT LADY DON'T GOT ON NO PANTS?!”

17. We were in a crowded place so I had to take my 4-year-old son in the tiny stall with me. He looks at me hovering over the seat and starts trying to get a good look. I tell him to turn around and he loudly asks, "How are you doing that? Do you have a tiny penis?!”

18. We were on a transit bus during a vacation in another country. A black man with a large Afro sat directly across from us. Our 3-year-old cheerfully said to the man, "Hi! I like your hat!"

19. While in the drive-thru at McDonald's with the windows rolled down, my son yelled out, “She looks like a wicked witch!” He was speaking about the lady working the window who had a big pointy nose with large bumps and stringy hair. It was mortifying.

20. While we were in Walmart, my son pointed at a man who vaguely resembled his father and excitedly said "Daddy!" The woman this stranger was with was very unimpressed until I explained.

21. I was in a dressing room trying on pants, when my oldest was a toddler, and she loudly proclaimed, "Oh, no, Mommy your bottom ate the back of your underwear!!" People on both sides immediately burst out laughing. I threw away every pair of thongs I owned that day!!

22. I was sitting on a train with my child when a plus-size woman in a purple dress walked by, and my own flesh and blood said loudly, "Look Mommy, it's Barney!" I thought I would DIE.

23. My mom introduced her dad's wife to me when I was 4 and apparently I said, "Nice to meet you, my mom calls you the witch."

24. When I was seeing an orthopedic doctor for my knee, my daughter told him, "My mommy said you're really cute and if she wasn't married she'd jump over your bones."

25. We were celebrating one year since my double mastectomy, and my daughter told the waitress, "Yeah we get to come to dinner 'cause my mom got new boobs."

26. My 3-year-old daughter yelling "Move it, lady!" to the slow woman in front of us in the grocery store aisle. She said what I was thinking!"

27. “Look mum! Magic Mike, your favorite movie!" We were in a nice long queue in Kmart too, so there was no hiding.

28. I was in a department store and the lady working was being a ugly cow (to say the least) and was just miserable and mean. I tried to keep my cool and said, "OK well hope your day gets better", to which she responded, "Yeah right whatever, NEXT." I rolled my eyes and was I said "OK great, see you next Tuesday", to which my 4 year old replied, “God I hope not, she’s a bitch.”

29. My son was going through a phase around 6 or 7 where he would reply to whatever story someone told by saying, “I remember when that happened to me." So we are in Boy Scouts, and they are being shown a film about child sex predators, the silence and awkwardness in the room is palpable, and my son says, "I remember when that happened to me."

30. My then 4-year-old, to a man wearing shorts with running style prosthetic legs, "Are you a Transformer?"

31. My mom, my gran and I had just been to the shop, to get a few things. So we go to the movies, find our seats, and the advertisements start rolling. First up was Tampax. My mom and gran's heads snap around, horror filled expressions, as this little voice says, FULL VOLUME, "Hey! We just bought a bunch of those!!!”

32. Standing in a truck stop men's room somewhere in Georgia, my 1st grader is staring at the condom dispensers and asks, "Dad, what’s a French tickler?"

33. We saw our minister at the gas station wearing sweats; mind you my son had never seen him without church robes. I spoke to him for a minute and my middle son asked who he was. I replied, "It's Pastor Dave." My son yells out the window, "Hi pastor Dave, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.”

34. My son was 3. We were in the express line at Walmart and he had his hands down the front of his pants. So I asked him why did he have his hand in his pants, and in a loud voice he said, "Because it feels really, really good!"

35. My 3-year-old son and his dad were playing a made up octopus battle game. My son shouts, “Don't slap my testicles!!" After we regained our composure from laughing so hard, we explained that octopus arms are called tentacles.

36. The waitress/cashier asked us if everything was good. I said, “Yes.” My then 4-year-old son said, “No it wasn't, Mom. You said it was horrible, and we were never going to eat here again."

37. "Wine, Wine, Wine!! That's all you eber dwink!" Shouted loudly as she sat in the grocery cart at around 3-years-old in the middle of the wine aisle of a grocery store.

38. My 10-year-old daughter (who's biggest struggle is social awkwardness), sat next to a black woman and said, "In the old days, we couldn't sit next to each other." We had just completed a curriculum on the civil rights movement and she was very eager to share her knowledge.

39. My youngest son answered the phone when he was very little and told the person on the other end that "Mummy's on the toilet doing a big poo!"

40. I explained turbulence to my 6-year-old son because it was his first plane ride. In the middle of the flight in the loudest voice he could muster he yells, "I think were going down!!"

41. I was trying to remove a sprinkler from the hose for my son and a bunch of neighborhood kids so they could play with the hose. It was on there really tight and it took me a bit. My son turned and yelled to all the kids, "Don't worry, Dad says my mom's the best screwer ever!”

42. My son was 6 at the time, and we were standing behind a woman in line at the airport. She was dressed to the nines but had a ton of makeup on and platinum blonde hair that was piled up like a Dairy Queen ice cream cone. My son looked at her and then looked at me and asked, “Mom, do you think she looked in the mirror before she left the house?”

43. The neighborhood church had fully remodeled the property and my son yelled out in excitement at 6 years old, "Holy shit this church is pretty, Grandma!" My very calm, very religious mother said later on, "Well, at least he got the holy part right."

44. In the elevator at the courthouse, my 5-year-old said, "Thanks for getting that poop stuck in my butt out last night." Longest elevator ride ever.

45. I went to a chiropractor with my 6-year-old son. The doctor told me that I have an extra bone in my tailbone. On my next visit, when the doctor asked me how I was doing, my son said, "How do you think she's doing? She has a bone in her butt!"

46. I was shopping, and passed the toy aisle where there was a Toy Story display. My 3-year-old began yelling "I want a 6 inch Woody!" as we continued shopping throughout the store.

47. We had a home birth when my son was 2. To include my son in the birth, we had him help to “candle” the umbilical cord. My husband and our sisters helped my son to hold a candle to the cord to burn it off instead of cutting it. Fast forward 6 months, and he randomly blurts out at a family supper, “Remember when we burned off Sadie’s penis?”

48. At the office my 4-year-old and a morbidly obese female colleague (that happened to be bent over at the time):
Daughter REALLY loudly: "Wooo! You got a big ole butt. How’d it GET so big?”
Colleague: "My mama fed me because she loved me."
Daughter: "She loved you A LOT!”

49. We were at the local gym when I took my girls to the hot tub that is in the women’s locker room. It was right after a senior water exercise class, so there were a few elderly ladies in the hot tub. My 3-year-old stands at the railing, looks at everyone and says, "Look, Mom! Old people soup!"

50. This obviously very pregnant lady walked by us in the store, and my 4-year-old asks, "Mom is there a real baby in her tummy?" I told her yes. She then asks "Isn't the baby gonna fall out of her shirt like that?"
Dave Sause
oldandfat@cox.net
(405) 694-3690

"And you're telling me this because, somehow, I look like I give a shit?"

"Let a smile be your umbrella and you're gonna get your dumb ass wet."

sammy the blade
Posts: 1586
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2016 7:18 pm

Re: The unvarnished truth

Postby sammy the blade » Tue Dec 26, 2017 6:27 pm

Good ones Dave!
Set your goals low and your standards lower and you're gonna have good luck with the girls.

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whippersnapper
Posts: 6528
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2004 12:39 pm
Location: Michigan

Re: The unvarnished truth

Postby whippersnapper » Tue Dec 26, 2017 7:42 pm

:lol:

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natcherly
Connoisseur dei Coltelli
Posts: 5475
Joined: Mon Mar 29, 2004 3:59 pm
Location: Baghdad by the Bay

Re: The unvarnished truth

Postby natcherly » Wed Dec 27, 2017 8:32 pm

These are great. Better than anything Art Linkletter every wrote about....

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jim d,
Posts: 6774
Joined: Thu May 23, 2002 9:36 pm
Location: Mayberry, N.C. / U.S.A.

Re: The unvarnished truth

Postby jim d, » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:44 pm

When my daughter was about 2 (she is 31 now) The Cosby Show was popular and my wife would watch it. I usually did the grocery shopping and would put my daughter in the child seat of the cart. Whenever we came close to a black man my daughter would get excited, point at the man, and start yelling "Daddy - there's Cosby, Daddy - there's Cosby" loudly and repeatedly.

Jim

Fishtail Picklock
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Joined: Sat May 03, 2003 11:10 pm
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Re: The unvarnished truth

Postby Fishtail Picklock » Sat Dec 30, 2017 12:35 am

"From out of the mouths of babes."
Fishtail Picklock


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