Oldies but goodies

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ILikeStilettos
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Joined: Tue Jan 28, 2014 3:36 pm
Location: Norman, Oklahoma, USA
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Oldies but goodies

Post by ILikeStilettos »

Stolen from DonC:

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

***

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

***

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully", the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor", the husband said, "and every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


***

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the emergency room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc", said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."


***

An old woman goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.

The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old woman says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

***

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

***

A blond calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute."

"Thank you", the blond says, and hangs up.

***

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun", the other detective replied.

"A golf gun! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know ... but it sure made a hole in Juan."

***

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."

***

A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery", he answered.

"What did he say?", asked the nurse.

"Oops!"

***

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least 10 years and 20 pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?", I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini", he replied. "You'd never fit it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

***

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there!"
Dave Sause
oldandfat@cox.net
(405) 694-3690

"And you're telling me this because, somehow, I look like I give a shit?"

"Let a smile be your umbrella and you're gonna get your dumb ass wet."
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JulesVane
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Joined: Sat Apr 01, 2017 12:34 am

Re: Oldies but goodies

Post by JulesVane »

Great ones Dave! I've already copied and pasted them in emails off to some friends. Thank you!
Image

"By accepting you as you are, I do not necessarily abandon all hope of your improving"- My Wife (1963-Present)
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john
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Joined: Tue Dec 01, 2009 11:40 am
Location: New England, MA USA

Re: Oldies but goodies

Post by john »

Very funny!
Your friend on the web's most friendly community on knives and blades,
John

Massachusetts Where Everything is Illegal or Taxed
gravknife
Posts: 1499
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2015 9:34 pm

Re: Oldies but goodies

Post by gravknife »

Great jokes Dave ,especially liked the wizard and curse one . :D

Hope your well.
Ian
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tr4252
Special Agent Oy Oy Seven
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Joined: Sat Aug 02, 2003 9:21 pm
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Re: Oldies but goodies

Post by tr4252 »

"Thank you, the blonde says......" HA!

Keep them coming!

Tom
Is it...Tomorrow....Or just the end of time?
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