Comedians shoot from the hip

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ILikeStilettos
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Comedians shoot from the hip

Post by ILikeStilettos »

I've heard most of these before ... some hysterical and risqué, some not so great.

Remember when the 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted as they are now ?

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or false, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes !

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake!

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning!

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough?'

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's been coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. (I love that one, what a wicked and warped sense of humor!)

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark! (Make him bite you, the way I heard it.)

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. (Huh?)

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army !

Q. Back in the old days, when grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

From an old Cheech and Chong album:

Coach, let's talk about your record ...

What the hell you want to bring that up for? I did my time. Besides, she looked 18.
Dave Sause
oldandfat@cox.net
(405) 694-3690

"And you're telling me this because, somehow, I look like I give a shit?"

"Let a smile be your umbrella and you're gonna get your dumb ass wet."
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