Out of the mouths of babes ...

[ILikeStilettos]

1. Nudity

My kids have always been observant of their surroundings, but they tend to pick out details no one else would notice. I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up, turned to face us and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

2. Opinions

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

3. Ketchup

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked her 4-year old daughter to answer. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

4. More Nudity

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

5. Police #1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?” “Yes”, I answered and continued writing the report.

“My mother said that if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right,” I told her. “Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “Would you please tie my shoe?”

6. Police #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and towards the back of the van. Finally he asked, “What’d he do?”

7. Elderly

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her starting at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The Tooth Fairy is never going to believe this!”

8. Dress-Up

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a terrible headache the next morning.”

9. Death

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnne, and into the hole he goes.”

10. School

A little girl was just finishing her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time, “ she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk.”

11. Bible

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed between the pages. “Mama, look what I found, “ he called out. “What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in his young voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

12. Young Enterprise

At my daughters urging to make my grandchildren earn any money I gave them, we set up a plan where I would provide fifty cents for each pail of weeds pulled from my yard. Mom would act as treasurer until the kids found something they wanted and then she would release the necessary funds. She was standing in a busy checkout line at the grocery store when her 6-year old spotted something in the “temptation” display that he wanted to purchase. “Mom! Mom! I need my weed money!”

13. Anatomically Correct

My other daughter and her husband were uncomfortable with slang terms for body parts being a part of my grandchildren’s vocabulary, so they taught them the politically correct anatomical names for everything and insisted that their son and daughter use them. While on a shopping trip with her elder sister, Cathy, she and her baby daughter entered one dressing room and her sister and the 4-year old boy went into another to try on swimwear. As they were standing in line at the checkout counter, young James casually remarked to his mom, “You know, Aunty Cathy has the hairiest vagina I have ever seen.”

[john]