Anticipation

[Doofus Emeritus]

Fellow Forumite's, Knife Nuts, and Fornicator's,

Greetings from 'The People's Respooblic of Northern California',

As I sit and wait for the afternoon mailman-lady-person to arrive with my new 9" Mammoth Ivory Damascus Bayo, I was wondering if any of you has experienced a pre-arrival anxiety attack while waiting for the coveted blade(s) to arrive. I have put together a list of pre-delivery routines that may sound familiar:

Do you find youself looking down the street?
Do you peek out the window every 30 seconds?
Do you bug the ol' lady every 5 minutes to distract your attention?
Do you drink excessively in anticipation?
Do you bite your nails?
Do you bite your toe-nails?
Do you check your neighbor's mail?


And what happens when the mailman-lady-person shows up without the coveted package?

Do you:
Throw a fit?
Shoot the mailman-lady-person?
Beat your children?
Beat the dog?
Kill the cat? (my first choice)
Cry?
Blame it on ray?
Wet the bed?

Now, I know through past post's some of you's have expressed broken hearts at the dissapointment of not getting blessed at the mailbox. I just wanted to let everyone know that I do not suffer from any of the above, and I'm going to ride my Harley as soon as the mail gets here cause I don't want the parcel to fall into the hand's of un-authorized occupant's of the Doofus household.


Best Regard's,


Bonz

[Vagrant]

The mailman, lady person has a "box of knives" she wants me to look over and give her an estimate.
Includes Norwegian, Pearl handles, and others [her description]. We shall see.

[Roccomo]

Mr. Emeritus,

Damn, you've got my pre-delivery routine down.

[Doofus Emeritus]

Forumite's,

My mailbox was truly blessed yesterday with my new Ivory Mammoth Damascus Bayo. Nothing short of beautiful I must say and so far I can see about 5 different colors in the scales which have the natural cracks and holes. It's too bad that scales this nice are put on a swivel bolster instead of a picklock, it is a very nice knife and if you are all very good little boys and girls this year, santa may put one in yer stocking at the end of the year.

Best Regard's,

Bonz

[Dan-o The Ritalin Kid]

Mr. Doofus,

Do you find youself looking down the street?
Do you peek out the window every 30 seconds?
Do you bug the ol' lady every 5 minutes to distract your attention?
Do you drink excessively in anticipation?
Do you bite your nails?
Do you bite your toe-nails?
Do you check your neighbor's mail?

Yes to all the above with the additions;
I also bite the ol' ladies nails and toenails and those of my neighbors and Postal delivery technician.

[jim d,]

Dan-o,

I understand your answer of yes to all of the questions, but I was wondering how you would answer "Do you check your neighbors wife?"

Jim

[Doofus Emeritus]

Mr. Dan-O,

Hmmm, I may draw the line with the ol' ladys toe nails, but my neighbors wife would probably chain me up and make a sex slave out of me, I dont think she ever gets any. Same with the mail lady, I refer to her as T-Rex. Not them scaly legs, no sir. Where's the vomitorium?

Best Regard's,


Bonz

[the spotlight kid]

Hey Bonzo,I have a lady mailman aswell as you and Vagrant.Do you think she is the same one and thats why she takes so damn long sometimes? Cheers the spotlight kid.

[Doofus Emeritus]

Mr. Spotlight Kid,

I work all day and don't get home until after T-Rex as already been there. Sometimes Mrs. Bonzo will say, you got another f**king knife, while shes hiding all the new CD's from 3 music clubs. If I have a weekend off, then I get to hang around the house and drinks lots of beer, play on the PC and wait for the Herr Schultz to bark, thus the signal that it's either T-Rex or the animal control lady(who is one fine broad). Never a dull moment around the Doofus compound.

Best Regard's,

Bonz

[Vagrant]

My mailman lady person always apologises for waking me to sign for another package of spring amusement. She always seems to deliver them an hour before I get up.

[Wally J. Corpse]

Greetings, Mr. Doofus Emeritus-

Gee, it sure is swell to have a famous ol' pal like you who gets actual mail delivery at an address that doesn't change every time the dumpster gets emptied. My mailing address can vary by feet, yards, even rods, depending on which driver is on the BFI truck out behind K-Mart, Spastic, Fornicalia.
Maybe sometime I can get an autographed photo of you standing next to your mailbox. Please wear a hooded sweatshirt, mirrored sunglasses and a Una-smirk. No need to make the autograph out to me, just sign your real, legal name several times in large normal style, leave enough space in between for insertion of, umm... a special award phrase. And as an authentication of heroic validity, please include right thumb and index finger print.
No need to suspect anything, ol' pal.

AS ever,

Your ol' pal,

Wally J. Corpse

[Doofus Emeritus]

Mr. Corpse,

I sent you a gift pack complete with signed Bonzo pics, Bonzo letterhead, Bonzo pens, pencils, stenciled toilet paper, and used condoms and expired credit cards.. Let me know if I forgot anything.

Best Regard's,


Bonz

[Dan-o The Ritalin Kid]

Jim,
To answer your question, My great great great grandfather was a brave and daring Civil War general...General Robert Jefferson. Kid who almost single-handed conquered Virginia. Unfortunately, his heroic efforts were thwrated when Virginias' husband unexpectedly returned home!

[Doofus Emeritus]

Mr. Dan-O,

The anticipation whilst waiting for the delivery boy can be quite stressful to most knife enthusiast's. It really doesn't bother me, and then there's Mr. Corpse, who seems to have Virginia well trained whilst waiting for the delivery boy.





Best Regard's

Bonz

[the spotlight kid]

Hey Bonz,that sure puts a new meaning to the term bone shaker.Here in the U.K. it just refers to an antique bike! Cheers the spotlight kid.