A joke contest...

[redeye]

A mountain biker and his old lady were sitting at the table one saturday morning and they heard a Harley coming up the trail to their cabin.When the bike pulled up out front he realized that it was his best old bro from way back that had came to visit.Well after the hugs hello and all that they decided to drink a whole buncha beers and celabrate the occasion since it had been years since they has seen each other.The old lady came out and said that there was no beer and that he would have to go and get some.So he told his bro to grab a shower and he would be back as fast as he could,he then told his old lady to show his bro some "mountain hospitality " while he was gone. When he came back he walked into the kitchen to put the beers in the fridge and saw his bro on top of his old lady screwing her eyes out on the kitchen floor,he yelled out"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"She replied "you said to show him some mountain hospitality while you were gone .And he said "yeah I know ,so arch your back and get his nuts offa that cold ass floor"

[tr4252]

This one was in the movie Silkwood.

A young brave visits the chief of the tribe with a question. "Wise one, is it true you name all the members of the tribe, and if so, how is it done?"

The venerable old man replies "Yes, for over 20 years I have named each person who is born to the tribe. I sit outside the lodge, and when I hear the infants' first cry, I open my eyes and the first thing I see becomes the name. So it was with your brother Big Bear, your sister Singing Bird, your cousin Blue Cloud, and so on."









"But tell me, Two Dogs F**king...... why do you ask?"

Tom

[tr4252]

This one is from the WattFlyer forum (RC model airplanes)


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Tom

[maceco]

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. “I m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??” For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: “Iron this.”

[JAGMAN]

A guy is listening to the news on the radio at home and hears a report that a car has been spotted driving the wrong way down the freeway . He realises that his wife (who is of course blonde) drives down that road to get home from work, so he decides to give her a call to warn her of this.
"Hi darling, I just heard on the radio there's a car driving the wrong way down the motorway - please be careful..."

"One car??? There's f##King hundreds of them!!!".

[catavengercaptain]

Texan meets a Harvard graduate, tips his hat politely and asks, "Where are you from?" The Harvard grad sneers and says, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." The Texan mulls the comment over and responds, "Okay, where are you from, jackass?"

[Wally J. Corpse]

Greetings, Mr. Missaman-

Have ye' self annointed yerself AS- 'King Of Switchblade Land'? Eye seemed to recall that lofty accolade AS being the mantle worn by our fallen idol, Mr. Pushbutton... Anyways, I shalt have no objections, providing that ye' can fufill the aforementioned's talent at witty smarty-assed banter wif' mineself and the elusive Mr. Doofus Emeritus. The one fingered gaunlet has been thrown to the challenge herein...
AS for an joke, here is mine one able to remember jokie thing, sorta' a riddle AS well-

"What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

(Answer- on Saint Paddy's Day everyone wants to be Irish....)

AS ever,

Your ol' pal,

Wally J. Corpse

[JerrBear]

Greetings, Mr. Missaman-

Have ye' self annointed yerself AS- 'King Of Switchblade Land'? Eye seemed to recall that lofty accolade AS being the mantle worn by our fallen idol, Mr. Pushbutton...

I STILL haven't figured out how he fell heir to that title... Kinda "Ghoulish."

[missaman]

Mr. wally and Dopey headed fish guy,
The King is dead Long live the King......
Besides he sat on my head for several weeks so I earned it....
Missaman

[dark2023]

ok, so this blond gets on a plane, and sits down in a first class seat. A flight attendant comes over and ask to see her ticket. The woman shows it to the flight attendant. The attendant then tells the woman that her ticket is for Economy Class seating and that she must move. To which the blond responds, "no, I'm here, I'm happy, and I'm going to L.A". The attendant dosent know what to do so she gets the flight marshal and ask him to help. He comes over and tells the woman that she must move because her ticket is for a different seat. Again she responds "No, I'm here, I'm happy, and I'm on my way to L.A". The marshal is also confused, he goes and ask the pilot if he knows what to do, the co pilot chimes in and says "I've got this, my wife is blond". He gets up and go's back to the first class area, he says something to the woman and she immediately jumps up and exclaims "why didn't someone tell me so sooner". She then hurries to her seat in Economy class. The flight attendant and marshal walk over to the co-piolet and ask him what he said to the woman. To which he replies "I just told her that first class was going to Chicago and Economy class was going to L.A".

[JerrBear]

Besides he sat on my head for several weeks so I earned it....

I don't even want to think about this...

[Razor_54]

Blonde Easter

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell
him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have
a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo,"
and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'
birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her
to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.
Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples
when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung
Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb
behind a very large boulder ... "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more
weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

[tr4252]

A guy is listening to the news on the radio at home and hears a report that a car has been spotted driving the wrong way down the freeway . He realises that his wife (who is of course blonde) drives down that road to get home from work, so he decides to give her a call to warn her of this.
"Hi darling, I just heard on the radio there's a car driving the wrong way down the motorway - please be careful..."

"One car??? There's f##King hundreds of them!!!".

Great joke!

I don't want to hijack the thread, but..........................

JAGMAN! Great to see you back; it's been a while. How wonderful it is to reacquaint with one of the veteran members of years past! Hope you are well. Your work was/is an inspiration.

Tom

[tr4252]

Blonde Easter

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell
him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have
a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo,"
and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'
birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her
to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.
Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples
when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung
Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb
behind a very large boulder ... "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more
weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

As a Catholic boy I can only say; Disturbing but hilarious!

Tom

[missaman]

(Answer- on Saint Paddy's Day everyone wants to be Irish....)

.
Missa Wally My Guess is you fall into this catagory..
One can take the man out of the hood.
But one cannot the hood out of the man....
The King of switchblade land
Missa