What got you into Switchblades?

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Wally J. Corpse
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Post by Wally J. Corpse »

Greetings, Mr. Majorsteve-

I also read those books. Ah yes, to this day I can recall a rather vivid account of some tribal justice eked out on a rather unwilling participant wherein his wins the prize of matching armpit stab wounds, to the hilt of a stiletto switchblade. The Mau Mau gang versus the Phantom Lords, a seething cauldron of urban violence until Nicky Cruz finds solace in an invisible deity.

I became determined to own a switchblade after seeing one popped out by a motorcycle gang guy-the Gypsy Jokers- at a road house on our county's only 'highway' ice cream on one side beer on the other. He had one of those shotshell puller types, and it fascinated the bejeezus out of me, to the point where I ambled towards him in a trance for a closer look, 'till dear ol' dad guided me into the station wagon, less my double dipper. As a freshly thirteened lad, I finally got my hands on a small stiletto, and wore the spring right out of it. When I discovered floating guards, I had to stand beside myself with joy, and many years, decades later, finally got one from my good ol' pal, Doofus Emeritus, whose popularity rating still ranks high, even though he's prone to using ol' Wally as a butt for twisted rude humor, as we roofers are wont to do.

AS ever,

Your ol' pal,

Wally J. Corpse
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Vagrant
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What or why

Post by Vagrant »

I got into this out of a capitalistic desire to be wealthy, drive exotic cars,
have fast women hanging all over me, and be quoted in the press.
Now I'm thinking about perhaps entering the political ring to further the
cause through legislation. Perhaps a law requiring those who don't have
a Switch to purchase one from me.
[Seriously, push the button ONCE and you understand why were in this,
what made possible? The web].
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jim d,
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Location: Mayberry, N.C. / U.S.A.

Post by jim d, »

Vagrant,

You drive a rare car, at least in 2002 it is rare. I have no idea about you and fast women. If not quoted in the press, you are at least quoted by saltwater fishermen from Md. to Fla., and beyond. As far as politics goes, the state to the south of you needs politicians like you, but probably would not elect one.

Jim
majorsteve
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Location: north of rock, south of hard place

Post by majorsteve »

To Wally J. Corpse:

How did someone as (apparently) erudite and verbally gifted as yourself wind up perched atop a building all day?

:?
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Wally J. Corpse
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Post by Wally J. Corpse »

Greetings, Mr. Majorsteve-

Please pay no attention to that man behind the curtains. I will humbly accept the term verbally 'gifted' always remembering that such a gift is often a double edged sword. Actually, I'm just a wordy smartass jerk who self enjoys bringing out the flavor, color, and scent of expression within our great and ridiculous language, having had more youthful access to powerful mind altering condiments than cable t.v..
As fer my roofing alibi- I went into roofing as a way to flirt with death, test my balance, and to share the humorous effects of gravity with those below. Oh, and it has always paid me very well, having provided a merely adequate comfort level before I expired. Before I fell into roofing, I held a myriad of jobs, including cab driver in Boston's racially charged 1970's, assistant assistant to dungeon assistant in a subterranean frozen fish guts and head supplier, dentil painter for local funeral home/church/ bingo parlor, head technician in charge of picking up those little paper dots that are left when a machine hole punches reams, hull barnacle scraper and poisonous metal based paint grinder in a Connecticut yacht yard, fugitve pot cleaning engineer and nitrous oxide filler foreman in a two hundred year old restaraunt, and metal chopsaw operator in an aluminum frame factory prior to the advent of hearing protection-huh, what?
I wanted to land that highly coveted gigolo position, but someone else got it first. When I am re-incarnated, I want to get the job of being the guy who pushes the button and unleashes the Apocalypse, just for laughs.
But for now, I'll just continue to be annoying, at no extra charge.

Thanks for your concern, and glad to be of service.

AS ever,

Your ol' pal,

Wally J. Corpse
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Doofus Emeritus
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Post by Doofus Emeritus »

Mr. Majorsteve,

I think Wally's taste for roofing really began after peeking through some skylights at the girls locker room while in highscool. Very, eh, Bulushi'esque don't you think? I learned from the master roofer, Dad. He once told me, 'Son, the cleavage is much nicer from up here'. Now I know why Pop's always dibbed the roof's over the walkways first and left me all the shit work.

Best Regards,

Bonz
In Search of the Eternal Buzz
majorsteve
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Location: north of rock, south of hard place

Post by majorsteve »

Bonz, you and the Dead man work together or just in the same biz? Either way, you guys must be doin' pretty good and not workin very hard. Ya'll got laptops up on that techo or what? And I'm pretty sure the view of cleavage is much better from where you're sitting right now. Oh Wally, yeah I guess that when you grind that toxic paint it gives off a lot of d-lysergic acid diathelimide tartrate -25 fumes with heavy psylocibin overtones right?
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Doofus Emeritus
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Post by Doofus Emeritus »

Mr. Majorsteve,

A fair portion of the 'ol doofus's waking hours is spent at the keyboards checking weather reports, accounts, reports, contracts and other bile. The rest of my time is spent climbing around on dirty rotten roofs and attics to justify my self imposed salary and please lower than life form real estate agents. Mr. Corpse has to sneak out of the State Controlled facility to make a few extra bucks, hence roofing. His recalitrant nature is somewhat refreshing to me, as it is impossible to be in this business and be even semi-normal. I think the chemical solution you described may be part of the puzzle to his partial dementia. I gave up the 'ol 25 ages ago, but the after effects still linger for the 'ol Doof and Mr. Corpse. We are working on his escape plan to the wilds of Mt. Zoomie for the sake of exposing vast amounts of powder laden lead. As far as working hard? I would trade the office anytime to have my plumb hatchett back while blasting away at my fingertips.


Best Regards,

Bonz
In Search of the Eternal Buzz
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The Falcon
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Location: The Peoples Republic of California

Post by The Falcon »

I have a very small wienie and I don't feel like a real man unless I'm packin' a large, threatening springblade weapon. If I'd been born with a decent sized tallywacker, I wouldn't have to compensate in this pathetic way and I would be free to pursue my true passion - to promote world peace by sewing a giant quilt with all the countries' flags on it. I've only told this to you guys and my former gym teacher...........I feel better now. Thanks for your understanding.
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Vagrant
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exotic cars etc.

Post by Vagrant »

Jim
If I read you right I'm damn near a success. The thought of going one
state south for any reason scares me. It's the only place I know where
a dart gun with the suction cup darts can get you a year in "Public Housing". It might be fun to get their politicians all liquored-up and let
them pass some laws. Wait a minute that's their problem already.
Plan two get them really drunk and let Teddy K drive them home.
They asked Teddy if he'd run for president again and he said "I prefer to wait and drive off that bridge when I come to it". I'll bet he plans to throw his hat in the water. He could run on a platform of "A blond in every pond". I'm too close to "that state" already. I can hit it with a .22 Hornet from the front yard, a .22 LR won't quite make it. One of my favorite Gun Stores is so close to the border you can hit it with a sling-shot. I'll bet that does not amuse them.
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Doofus Emeritus
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Post by Doofus Emeritus »

Mr. The Falcon,

Sorry to hear about your non-elongation problem. May I offer a tip on how to improve the situation? First, grab a couple 2 pound weights. Then tie a length of piano wire on each weight and pull it up through each pant leg until you reach the little guy. Then tie a slip knot securely around the shaft (if any) just above the knob (this allows for a fast release in a emergency).
If you walk around normally, the discomfort will be tolerable, but whatever you do, don't run or jump up & down. After 6 months you should have elongation. After 1 year, you should be able to use it again. I hope this helps. I heard it worked for Bill Clinton.

Best Regards,

Bonz
In Search of the Eternal Buzz
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Wally J. Corpse
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Post by Wally J. Corpse »

Greetings, Mr. The Falcon-

Gee, sorry to hear about your problem, no, I mean I am really sorry to hear of it. I think I can speak for all when I say that was information we didn't want to hear about. But, seeing as you are an ol' pal, perhaps this tip might aid you- check out the Oreck vaccuum, belt ready lap model, they probably have a fitting orfice nozzulator that you can rig up, and stretch your lil' buddy out after a few weeks of round the clock power on mode. Just a guess by the way, my medical knowledge is more along the trepanning-brain damage expertise.

AS ever,

Your ol' pal,

Wally J. Corpse
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Wally J. Corpse
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Post by Wally J. Corpse »

Greetings, Mr. Doofus Emeritus-

Aw, c'mon now, you know that all girls area school skylights are wired ripple glass that cannot be seen through, wooden eye or not. A better, lower class tactic is under the bleachers with magnifying glass eye, disguised as pile of innocent trash, or, the ever popular shoe mounted mirror, and lest we forget a traditional favorite, the half dollar coin epoxied to the floor just outside the girl's locker.
I learned alot from my sainted dad as well, the two enduring axioms being- "Son, always a kind word for everyone, by the way, F**k You!", and the other, "Son, one man's misery is another man's chuckle."
I am preparing a flimsy and transparent excuse as we speak, in order to flee up to Zoomie mountain, as I feel that ol' Wally is needed to perform the public service of depositing multitudes of AK-47 FMJ rounds onto the pristine slopes, like scent marking one's territory. ( I am, however, ecology sensitive enough to pick up a few spent laquered steel commie cases. O.K. that was a lie.)

Greetings, Mr. Majorsteve-

Mr. Doofus Emeritus and I are not located close enough areawise to dominate the roofing industry. (Yet) We are however, comrades with arms.
And any roofing work is not easy, it's genuine tough, dangerous work, and while we protect the lives and properties of those who need us, we routinely get jerked for payment and respect.
The hull grinding adventure was one I wouldn't wish on even an airhead. Lying on yer back in scummy mud wrestling an over-torqued angle grinder whilst applying a total body coating of copper, lead, nickel, or cadmium flavored pore penetrating paint was a real challenge for $3.30 an hour. Sometimes I'd come staggering into the bar all blue, red, or green, much to the delight of the local affluent preppies, more than one who carried away a colored fist imprint Wally souvenir.
Oh well, I'm still optomistic about my resume sent out seeking employ as ventriloquist dummy.

AS ever,

Your ol' pal,

Wally J. Corpse
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Doofus Emeritus
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Post by Doofus Emeritus »

Mr. Corpse,

An old friend of Seymour Butz, eh! My Dad was always impressed with hard work, that is, as long as he did'nt have to do it. Like the time he made me till the back yard with a single shovel. He said, 'God has respect for the hard working man, now, go earn some respect!

Psst. Were gonna need some HE for the 4th of July.

Best Regards,

Bonz
In Search of the Eternal Buzz
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Wally J. Corpse
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Post by Wally J. Corpse »

Greetings, Mr. Doofus Emeritus-

Seymour Butz, 'eh? He must be related to all those other guys that didn't show up for work that dad had me sub-in for, Stepnfetchit, Gogeddit, and Bleedonyerowntime. After grasping the pay concept of straight time, hearing fables about overtime, I learned and earned my status on undertime.

HE? As in big boom with crater and shrapnel? Your ol' pal Wally somewhat reticent to concoct, transport, or energize such things since minor incident in '79 charged as "Weatherman" for harmless, innocent, schoolboy wee firecracker prank in Haight. Dontcha have your FM handy, along with suds soaked volunteer amputee chemist? (Didja think I was born with a wooden eye, Einstein?). Ever hear of- "Some stupid with a flare gun-"?

If inner cranium rockets' red glare is sought, I might know a guy who knows a guy who might be a Zoomie.

When discussing noisy party favors of the like, one should always include disclaimer for Big Brother's scan tape loop. ready? All together now- "For entertainment purposes only." Or was it, "That's my personal supply your honor."?



AS ever,

Your ol' pal,

Wally J. Corpse
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