A joke contest...

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missaman
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A joke contest...

Post by missaman »

Give me your best jokes...
The prize is .......
one POS lighter OTF combo...
AS King of switchbladeland I judge all jokes...
You have one week :wink: :wink:
Oh and the lighter part needs butane
NO youtube links
Peace out
Missaman
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tr4252
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by tr4252 »

so, a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says..................................




............................................"Why the long face?"
Is it...Tomorrow....Or just the end of time?
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dark2023
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by dark2023 »

A horse walks into a bar...


...and the bartender calls animal control after realizing the severity of the situation.

(I'll have better tomorrow. Give me some time to think)
This is the magic incantation congress uses to constantly violate the 10th Amendment - "...the manufacture, sale, transportation, distribution, possession, or introduction into interstate commerce of such shall be prohibited"
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dark2023
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by dark2023 »

I know, how about a Jewish joke (not a joke against jews, but a joke meant to be shared between jews)

(At Jewish events it is considered incorrect and bad for men and women to dance with each other (though we tend to blow this rule off, unless your Hasidic))

So, a Hasidic Jewish couple is getting married, and they go to the rabbi to ask some advice. They ask if at their wedding reception they can dance together, even though there not traditionally supposed to. But, the rabbi says no, no, no, it violates mitszva and isn't allowed. So then they ask him if it violates any mitszva for them to have kinky sex. The rabbi ask them to define what they mean better. So they ask if it's OK for them to use toys, He says "hey, once your married, go ahead, enjoy your selves". They then ask if it's OK for them to swing (share partners with another couple). He says, "hey, as long as they're also Jewish and married, whatever, go for it, have fun". Lastly they ask if it's OK for them to do it standing up. To which the rabbi vigorously shakes his head and says "no, no, no, it might lead to dancing." :lol: :lol:
This is the magic incantation congress uses to constantly violate the 10th Amendment - "...the manufacture, sale, transportation, distribution, possession, or introduction into interstate commerce of such shall be prohibited"
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Bonzo
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by Bonzo »

Mr. Missaman,

The best joke of all time, here it is;

The current president of the United States!


You still have my addy?


Best regards,

Bonz
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"A little rebellion now & then is a good thing"
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redeye
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by redeye »

Two blondes walk into a building, you woulda thought that one of them would have seen it.
I am the KING of LATAMA collectors HAHAHAHAHAHAHA {EVIL LAUGH}
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catavengercaptain
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by catavengercaptain »

The real estate market and economy are so bad that Mini Me had to Short sale his house! :mrgreen:
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thatoneguy
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by thatoneguy »

A man is dating three women and is trying to decide which one to marry. As a test he gives each one $5000 and tells them to spend it all. The first one buys all new outfits for herself and tells the man "I bought these clothes so i will look beautiful for you because i love you" He is impressed and goes on to the second woman. She has bought him new knives and clothes and says "I want you to look perfect and be happy because i love you" Again he is very impressed. The third woman has spent all her money on investments, tripling the $5000 and giving him back his money, saying "I invested my money so we will have a good future because i love you". Very impressed, the man thinks long and hard about who to pick, he then chooses the woman with the largest breasts
maceco
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by maceco »

There is a couple that has been dating for a while and he decides that she is the one girl for him. He invites his love over for dinner that night with intentions of proposing.
He prepared her favorite meal; served the wine he knew she liked the most.
After dinner he suggested a move to the couch. He let her sit first, then got down on one knee, took out a ring, and asked her to be his wife.
She was very happy and said that she would love to marry him BUT… first had to tell him that she has a deformity. He asked her what it was. She replied that she has three breasts. “I don’t care, I love you and that’s all that matters” he said.
He then told her he was glad she was honest with him because he too has a deformity.
“She wanted to know what his disability was. He told her that he has a penis like a baby! She slowly took in what he told her. She thought about it, thought a bit more and a bit more. Finally she told him that she didn't care. She loved him and that was all that mattered.
They cuddled on the couch and as he held her, asked to see her deformity. She lifted her blouse and there were three perfectly formed breasts across her chest.
She, of course, now wants to see his deformity. He stood up, unzipped and proceeded to pull out a monster. She stared in amazement and gasped. "I thought you had a penis like a baby" He replied “I do, seven pounds nine ounces”.
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dark2023
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by dark2023 »

A man and a woman happen to be sharing a sleeper cabin on a train. They are both single. Night approaches and they both go to sleep. The man takes the top bunk, and the woman the bottom. After a while the man starts to get a bit cold. He leans over the edge and asks the woman if she would be so kind as to go get him an extra sheet. She looks up at him and says, "hey, since were both here, for one night, and since were both single, why dont we, just for tonight pretend were married". The guy agrees. As soon as he does the woman says "ok, then go get your own damn sheet". Then she rolls over and go's back to sleep.
This is the magic incantation congress uses to constantly violate the 10th Amendment - "...the manufacture, sale, transportation, distribution, possession, or introduction into interstate commerce of such shall be prohibited"
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JerrBear
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by JerrBear »

Two dogs walked into a phone booth, picked-up the receiver and hung up...
JerrBear
Have you hugged a Bear today?
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missaman
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by missaman »

Missa Jerr,
Actually I kinda liked the sheet joke so far.... And the one from Missa That one guy....
Missa
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tequiza
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by tequiza »

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Polish a knife, cook a pig, drink several beers
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JerrBear
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by JerrBear »

missaman wrote:Missa Jerr,
Actually I kinda liked the sheet joke so far....
Missy,

Actually, it's a "BLANKET" joke - Adlest it WAS 50+ years agoness when I first heard it...
JerrBear
Have you hugged a Bear today?
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catavengercaptain
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Re: A joke contest...

Post by catavengercaptain »

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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